Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
the greatest twitter interaction
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.