[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
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I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me