Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Growing out my freckles.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready