Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”