Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
You Might Also Like
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
this made my day 😂
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.