Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.