Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

President The Rock Obama

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

I have two kinds of followers

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.