Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
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he’s sick of your bullshit today
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.