Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.