Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….