Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Truth

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.