#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My first son he is wonderful
Quadruple digit IQ
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
This did not end as expected.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.