Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
You Might Also Like
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
12653.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?