Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]