Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Cat is stressing him out.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
The first matador
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.