Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
