Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.