Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
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We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Yup!
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
