Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.