Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Solving a traffic jam

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

ㅤ

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

oh shit

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!