Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Printer ink is expensive
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Children of the corn 🌽
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?