Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If I commit suicide, it鈥檒l be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What鈥檚 not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It鈥檚 been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Happy Halloween 馃巸
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money