Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.