Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.