Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Thank you corporation very cool

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.