Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
His flabber was gasted 😂
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee