Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
We’ve all been there…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.