Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Always the vampires

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: