Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

And now we wait

iPhone X

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?