Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
You Might Also Like
this came to me in a vision
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
