Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*