Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Artwork by Herta Burbe

My zodiac sign is pistachio

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either