Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My dad.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.