Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain