Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
You got this…
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”