@PColemanchester

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

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@andylassner

In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.

Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.

@karanbirtinna

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@Douchekevin

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

@thepunningman

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

@AlmightyBored

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

@LostFelicia

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..