In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world.
Here in America it’s National Cheeseburger Day.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.
I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..