Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
You Might Also Like
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Every work call, he judges.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.