Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

black phone good

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Me when I try to be useful

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

File under excellent bookstore names.

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.