Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
*cough*
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect