Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

My brain is a bad influence on me

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back