Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

✌️

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too