Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Beware of the “party goblin”…
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.