Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.