Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!