Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I love the National Park Service.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
