Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.