Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My boss called in sick of me
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.