Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
You Might Also Like
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Not all heroes wear capes….
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!