Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
WTF IS THAT!
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice