Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
i baked you a cake
nothing saves money like being antisocial
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”