I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Life is a suicide mission.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together