@_youhadonejob

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@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife

@0point5twins

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

@SumbodyShootMe

My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.

Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.

@jonnysun

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

@ginadivittorio

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

@ibid78

We built this city on rock n roll. The streets have no names. The midnight train goes anywhere. Stairways climb to heaven. Tbh its a gd mess

@NYC_Blonde

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.