[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days