[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
The median voter
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]