[Honest cooking show]
…and now we’ll add just a few slices of red onion to completely overpower the flavor of anything else.
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
You’re never alone. Theres mold
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
When driving behind a slow-poke do you ever steer your car over to the side a bit so the car behind you can see this shit’s not your fault?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
