Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
she has a point
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no