Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
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My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*