Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me