Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.