Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”![]()
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…