Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

💻🤡

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows