Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
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I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
🤣✨#caturday
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.