Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA