Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Cinematography is my passion

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Doug is just Canadian for dog

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.