Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*