Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

rapatouille

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Last-minute gift idea!

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.