Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
You Might Also Like
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes